"Like every other wet-behind-the-ears parents-to-be, we loaded up on bedding, clothes, diapers, and other gadgets and gizmos that fool you into believing you'll actually be ready to take that alien thing home. It's pretty simple: when Americans get scared, we just buy more crap." Robert Wilder in "Daddy Needs a Drink"
We've been getting ready for Nuke's arrival the way people who've never had a child get ready these days: we buy things, we read, we take classes.
None of this is completely adequate, of course, but we do it anyway because, hey, at least we're doing something other than sitting around waiting for the big day. That's not to say we haven't learned anything or that we're not at least a little bit better prepared than we were a few weeks ago; it's just that there's a certain level on which it seems kind of silly. People have been having babies for quite a while now (okay, we'll just skip right past the infant and maternal mortality rates of old). So we'll probably figure things out before we break him beyond repair, even if we haven't read about the latest, greatest parenting technique (The 5 S's!!! Have you heard about THE FIVE S'S?!!?!!).
But we're preparing nonetheless. Here is a partial list of the things I've learned:
* To purchase everything Babies R Us offers for a newborn requires approximately the Gross National Product of Belgium, but you can probably get by at Trinidad and Tobago levels. Perhaps Equatorial Guinea.
* Lactation consultant is an actual career, and it is in considerable demand (No, I am not yet prepared to consider this an option for my own career).
* There is such a thing as a "doula," a non-medical assistant who helps the mom and pop-to-be get through the birth as safely and sanely as possible. I hope we get a good one; I'm gonna need it.
* The reason 90% of all child car seats are improperly installed is because the instructions provided are incomprehensible. I believe this is the product of a deliberate and malicious campaign; no one could have produced such poorly written instructions unless motivated by pure evil. All your car seat base are belong to us, indeed.
* Men can attend baby showers and survive. Gentlemen, here are the three phrases that will get you through: "Hey, that looks really useful!" "Hey, we needed those!" "Wow, that's great! Thanks!" Ladies, "Awww, it's so cuuuute!!" has gotten you this far; no need to reinvent the wheel.
* Everything you've heard about how hard it is to choose a pediatrician is true.
* One of the most important pieces of equipment in the modern birthing process is the exercise ball, and this amuses me. It makes sense when it's explained (has to do with helping guide the baby along while taking pressure off the mom's legs and back), but that doesn't mean I can't giggle about it every now and then.
Anyhoo, here's a little visual presentation of some of the prep work we've done.
The crib comes together, as does the baby's room
And the stroller, one part of the "travel system":
You think your instructions can defeat me? I laugh at your feeble attempts at misdirection!
And it folds up like it's supposed to, too! IN YOUR FACE, DEVIL MAN!
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