No, not Chris Berman, with whom the word "wisdom" is never appropriately associated. In this case, Colin, who successfully guided Caroleigh through her pregnancy and delivery (I'm pretty sure Caroleigh thinks of it that way too). The following appeared in my e-mail in-box yesterday:
Dear Ebby Calvin, c/o your prospective parents:
As I've been doing this for almost 3 weeks now, I am what Fox "News" would deem an "expert". So now that they're done sneaking across state lines and caucusing for Mike Gravel, allow me to offer your parents some advice:
-Receiving blankets rock. You can never have too many of them. Have them put them under you where you sleep and where you get changed. It's a hell of a lot easier to wash a little blanket than a crib sheet or a changing pad after one of your many and varied bodily fluids ends up on it. They're also great for swaddling your little limbs that will flail about independently and keep you awake.
-You're a boy. You have no control over your bladder. I urge your parents to cover your little unit with a cloth or something (hell, they can even buy a pee-pee teepee at Babies R Us if they really want). If not, you will lull them into a false sense of security, and then... this happens.
-The human finger is a wonderful tool for shutting up a crying baby...temporarily.
-Tell them to buy lots and lots of laundry detergent. How can someone so small create such a mountain of dirty laundry?
-Everyone is entitled to their own parenting philosophy, and I respect that. But after catching up with Hammerin' Hank, I see that they bought you a crib, and even successfully assembled it. Make them use it! The family bed is the tool of the devil, and we know way too many couples who still can't kick their 2 and 3 year old kids out of their beds. Do not let them succumb to the weakness that is, "oh, just this once, and then we'll put him in the crib tomorrow".
-Always make them put the new diaper under your ass BEFORE removing the old diaper. Sometimes you're not quite done your business, and things can get ugly.
-And finally, I urge them to sleep. It is a truly beautiful thing. Lack of sleep can lead you to roll over in the middle of the night and feel your son beside you, about to fall off the bed. You pat his head, rub his belly, feel his little fingers. Yep, that's the kid. You leap up in a panic and catch hold of him...only to realize it's the cat.
Yours respectfully, Dr. Colin
2 comments:
Oh Ted, it's all so TRUE! I was so sleep deprived that I jumped out of bed one night and in two great big steps ran right through the closet door knocking it off of its tracks. Sleep now while you still have the chance!
Mike
Note to self: wear skiing helmet to bed.
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